What is the key to being in control?

We like to be in control. We like to be certain about processes and outcomes. When we are in control, we feel stable. When we are not in control, we become shaky, and might even lose control. When we lose control, all hell breaks loose.

So what is the key to being in control? Before we answer that question, ask yourself this question, “What is it that I really want to control?” Do you really want to control the other person, the situation, the outcome, or what? Whatever this answer is, it pushes the responsibility of the entire matter to somebody or something else.

When we attempt to control an external party or event, we become a subject of reaction to what’s taking place. Next question to ask yourself, “What is it that I really need to control?” You probably got the answer, yes, “myself”. The “thing” or person that we really need to and can control is SELF.

When you can control yourself, you become in control. When you are in control, you become stable. When you are stable, you can think. When you can think, you can choose wisely. When you can choose wisely, you have a greater and more positive influence on the outcome.

So what’s the key to being in control of yourself? Consider this, when are you more in control? When you are stressed or not stressed? Probably the latter. Thus the key to being in control of yourself, your life, and your results is to RELAX.

Researchers who studied top olympians shared that these top performers are masters of relaxation. Our bodies perform best when we are relaxed. When you are relaxed, you have no negative emotions such as fear or anxiety. When these are not present, you do not feel the need to control. When you do not feel the need to control, you become MORE IN CONTROL.

Relax yourself = Control

Stress = Less Control

Too much Stress = Out of Control

The only person we need to control is our “self”. The more you need to control, the less you will be in control. The less you want to control, the more you will be in control. So, RELAX……

Who is responsible for this?

When things go wrong, this question always pops up, “Who is responsible for this?” Often, this is a question not directed at solving the situation, but identifying WHO is at fault. Why do we always want to identify WHO is at fault?

No one likes to be wrong. No one likes to be responsible for a less-than-ideal situation, a mistake, an accident or a failure. When we are involved in any of such circumstances, the easy way out is to push the responsibility to someone or some system. Granted, sometimes it is really someone else’s fault or some system’s boo boo. But let’s examine this blame-pushing habit for a moment, what constructive purpose does it really serve?

Does it help to manage the situation more positively?
Does it help to lighten the effects of the situations?
Does it help to resolve the situation?
OR does it just make us feel good and not guilty since we are “not responsible”?

When it comes to our own life, it is even more important for us to be personally responsible and accountable. You might have heard people say that “No one owes your a living”, “I’m not your father”, or “You’ve got to sort that out yourself, it’s none of my business”. While these sentences do sound harsh, they present a truth – no one else is responsible for you, only you are responsible for yourself.

Problems will arise.
Difficulties will surface.
Errors will be made.
Troubles will come.
Failures will happen.
Things will not always go our way.

The next thing you find yourself in a less-than-ideal situation, instead of asking “Who is responsible for this?”, ask “How can I take responsibility for this”

When you do that, you gain back control of the situation and the outcome. When you develop a “How can I take responsibility for this” mental and physical habit, you become in charge and the creator of your life.

I know it is wrong, but I keep doing it

We are intelligent beings. We are able to think, analyze and deduce with our moral conscience. We can tell what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s good and what’s bad. While all these are but perceptual judgements that may vary across cultures, we are still bound by these rules or moral ethics and we feel guilty for violating them.

So why do we still do something even though we know it’s wrong?

Some time ago, a participant in one of my workshops shared with me that he loves his girlfriend and values her a lot, yet he can’t help but gets involved with other ladies. He said “I know it is wrong, but I keep doing it”. He asked how can he stop doing that as he doesn’t want to end up killing his current relationship.

I proceeded to ask him what is he trying to achieve by getting involved with other ladies? After a brief discussion, he realized that by doing that, he was trying to fill a gap within him. It wasn’t so much of the physical pleasures, lust or excitement that made him continue doing it, but it was an unfulfilled psychological gap and need that he was trying to plug by getting physically with other women.

We keep doing what we know is wrong in our attempt to fill a psychological gap within ourselves. Each time we do that thing, we only momentarily plug and gap and feel temporary relief. We can never really plug that gap by engaging in an action that provides momentary relief. That’s why we need to keep doing that even though we know it is wrong.

To break through this pattern, get to the source.
Be honest with yourself to identify what is the gap you are trying to fill.
See resolution at the root cause so that there will not be that gap to plug anymore.

When that happens, you gain back control of yourself and no longer need to do what you know is wrong.

Why are you not achieving your goals?

You set a goal, you take action, but you don’t achieve it. You set a goal again, you take more action, but you don’t achieve it again. Then you set another goal, you take even more action, but you still don’t achieve it. After several of such occurrence, you become dejected, demoralized and start to wonder setting goal and working hard still work.

If we had a goal, and we took all the necessary action, but we still did not achieve what we want, it means we do not 100% want to achieve it. In short, there is a misalignment within us. What we consciously want is not supported by what’s in our subconscious mind. So on one hand we want this, but on the other hand we do not allow ourselves to have that.

For example, James wants to increase his annual income to $100,000. This is his CONSCIOUS DESIRE. But in his SUBCONSCIOUS SELF, he doesn’t feel deserving or capable of handling such an income, then there is an internal misalignment. So no matter how match efforts he puts into his work or business, he will find himself falling short of his income goal. He will continue to make perhaps his usual $50,000 to $60,000 every year, because this is the range accepted within his subconscious.

Not achieving your goals even though you have done whatever you could = internal misalignment.
Your CONSCIOUS DESIRE is not aligned with and not supported by your SUBCONSCIOUS SELF.

The more alignment and congruence we have within us, the more easily we achieve.

Live with joy and succeed with ease by aligning conscious and subconscious minds.

Why are you always tired?

Assuming you are healthy and have sufficient sleep, yet you still feel tired and disinterested or unmotivated in your life, what could be the reason? How could someone who is healthy and well-rested still feel tired or not motivated in life?

Watch how young children play. They get interested in something, they chase after it, they play until they are tired, and then they rest and sleep. When the wake up, these little kids do the same again. They become alive each time they PLAY!

Are you playing in your life? By playing, I do not mean doing things that intrigue or interest you. Playing here is defined as getting what you want in your life. Play is what little kids want. When they play, they get the toys, company, exploration, engagement etc.

Are you getting what you want in your life?

If you are getting what you want, or in the process of getting what you want, or see strong hope in getting what you want by what you are doing, you are playing. When you are playing, you will feel alive and motivated. Of course you will get physically tired, but after a good rest you will be re-energised and rejuvenated again.

If you want to get out of tiredness that is not caused by health or insufficient rest/sleep, start playing! Ask yourself what is it that you want and go get it.

Be honest about what you want.
Find out how to get it.
Go get it.

You will become alive and energetic again.

You have betrayed someone, and you feel really guilty

Yesterday, we discussed about being betrayed and how to move on. Today, let’s talk about the other perspective. What if you had betrayed someone, and you feel really guilty about it?

Some betrayals are intentional, most are not. You probably did not 100% wanted to betray the other person, you were somehow compelled by a situation, circumstance, trigger, stimulant, challenge etc. Whether it was intentional or situational, it has taken place and hurt has been caused. And you do have to take responsibility for what had happened.

Taking responsibility doesn’t mean blaming yourself. That’s an irresponsible easy way out of the situation and not do anything. Blaming others doesn’t work, so does blaming yourself. Taking responsibility means:

1. Acknowledging that you have done a breach of trust (regardless of your reasons)

2. Apologising to the other party, regardless of whether it is accepted

3. Taking steps to rectify and remedy the situation

4. Respecting the other party’s need for time and space to recover and forgive

5. Learning from the episode so that you will be more in control of yourself and your life, and not allow yourself to be compelled to betray again in future

Finally, once your have learnt, forgive yourself and let it go……
Forgiving others is important, forgiving ourselves is critical.
Forgiving others and ourselves free ourselves to live happier and healthier lives.

May you live a guilt-free life.

You have been betrayed, and you feel really hurt

Betrayal hurts. It is not so much of what you’ve lost (e.g. relationship, money, business etc) that hurt you, but more of the trust that has been breached by the other party. This is especially so if this person has been a key person in your life for a long time (e.g. spouse, business partner, employees, childhood friends etc.)

When we are betrayed, we often feel lost and seek the “why did he do that?” The dialogue that goes on in our minds include “I’ve always treated him so well, how could he do that?”, “I trusted him totally, but he crushed it.”, or “We have gone through so much together, how could he?”…

In the moments where these dialogues engulfed the mind, you would feel a combination of sadness, shock, anger, disappointment, and definitely betrayed. Some people don’t know what to do, some people can’t do anything, others want to take revenge by doing the same. Bottom line is you are really hurt.

How do we move on after a betrayal? If the other party acknowledges fault, apologizes and takes corrective steps to make up or reverse the situation, it could be easier to move on. What if the other person just takes off, and worse still leaves you with a load of issues to resolve?

Definitely not easy to move on, but one has to. Regardless of whether the other party repents, whether you can still trust him, whether he ran away, you will have to move on. Continuing to be entrenched physically and emotionally by the betrayal hurts ourselves more than anyone else. It also hurts those who love us.

As the Frozen song sings, Let it go………
Accept that it has happened.
If you can forgive, forgive.
If you can’t forgive, accept that you can’t yet.
Learn what you need to learn from the experience.
Move on to the next step and phase in your life.
Continue to grow yourself and not allow anyone or anything to burden your mind and heart.

Break free and live free.